And the winner is!

Big Ass, No Tits...

Congratulations on subjecting your body to the scrutiny of millions of asshole Americans!
Check her out at www.egotastic.com

Girl would have never made it as a stripper in L.A. Inglewood, maybe. Minnesota, definitely.
Good thing this girl can write.

I wonder how many dirty old men in Minnesota are telling stories in a bar right now about how they got a lap-dance from an Oscar winner?

That's not to say I wouldn't totally rock that. Well, if I didn't already have a girlfriend. God damn it, I just can't help myself. She's going to kill me for saying that.

No hard feelings, Diablo. First your body, then your mind, and finally your soul. Welcome to L.A. Stay clean, baby. If you turn into the Amy Winehouse or Brittany Spears of writing I'm going to shoot myself. Anyways, we all love you so. Keep up the great work!